To All Employees:

February 17, 2009 at 7:10 pm (funny jokes, life issues)

From: Senior Management

RE: Cut Back in Company Spending

As our company has to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are needed to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce our salary bill.

Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof of the offices on alternate Fridays. Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive greatly enhanced Death-In-Service Benefits.

This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your Pension rights, however, participating staff are asked to avoid landing on company cars, as this will cost more money than is saved, which would be counter productive and could cause injury to non-participating spectators.

Non-participants are therefore asked to be vigilant and to keep glancing skywards on these days of action. It would also be appreciated if non-participants would give every assistance to the cleaners in clearing up after the event.

Bodies will be disposed of in waste skips in the car park and staff are therefore asked to ensure they keep moving on these days to avoid being inadvertently mistaken for successful participants.

Participating staff members will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the attending Occupational Health and Safety representative to get into a “Catching Position.”

The company hopes to obtain a set reduction in staff through this scheme and it must, therefore, be considered one of our most worthwhile projects to date.  Should the scheme be over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced. To assist the cleaners, it would be appreciated if all participants could take with them onto the roof a large black plastic bag (available from the stationery room). If they could climb into the bag just prior to the jump, this will certainly ease congestion at ground level.

It is important that the projected jumps are shown on your department’s staff planning charts so that work can be re-distributed to your colleagues to cause minimum disruption to the company.

Please note: any participants choosing to jump outside normal working hours will not be paid overtime.

Regards,

 

Senior Management

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5 Comments

  1. cheer34 said,

    hmmmm…I am sure alot of companies are looking for solutions……

  2. metalmom said,

    So you’re jumping on Friday? Too bad, I was just starting to like you.

    *I liked you enough to give you an award.

  3. Skylers Dad said,

    Priceless!

  4. Linda said,

    Omigod, this one needed a Beverage Alert!!

    As I started reading, I was just lifting a big ol’ glass of chocolate milk to my lips and…well…

    It almost ended unfortunately!

  5. coffeypot said,

    I say follow the lead of management. Have them jump first to set an example. After they jump, go to lunch.

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