I need to get some things on paper and out of my head so I can make some sense of things. I just want to write what I feel and not feel guilty, tragic or pathetic about it.
I have some really good friends. I can count these friends on one hand but I know that when I need them they will be at my door. I’ve never been one to have tons of friends. I’ve never been one to trust alot of people and that’s okay with me. I’m an Aquarian and an introvert, so my circles are always small and intimate, and I like that. I tend to think of myself a little more because I need to regenerate myself when around alot of people, like at work. I like my alone time and I’m not the type of friend to be at someones door 24/7. I don’t nag my friends and need to talk to them every day.
When I met George, back in 1985, we worked together. I started to like him. So I initiated the friendship and we are still friends to this day. We’ve had our ups and downs. It started off with me liking him, him liking me, blah, blah. Needless to say, we never got together, it was never the right time or one of us was always going out with someone at the time. There was a time that as things were happening the thought of losing one of my people and their friendship, literally, sucked the breath from my body. That’s how I get when the prospect of losing someones friendship or love makes me feel. It puts me in such a horrible funk that it scares the hell out of me.
My friend, Cindy, and I have been friends for 15 years. We are soul mates but in the friend form. Our souls clicked the very first day we met. Sometimes it’s difficult. She’s a stubborn Scorpio and I’m a stubborn Aquarian but we make it work. Sometimes I don’t know how but we do. There are lots of times that each of us notices that we aren’t being right to each other. We figure it out and try to fix it. Change ourselves for the other. Always for the good. Both George and Cindy are my soul mates. I can’t explain it but to say we would do anything for each other, we know that the other won’t hurt us, intentionally, and that no matter what, we are there for each other. There always seems to be an “unconditional love” for one another.
That’s what my friends are to me, “unconditional love”. So the thought of ever losing that, sucks the soul from my body, or so it seems.
Brian and I have known each other for about 10 years, give or take. He lives next to Cindy and she has known him as long as he has lived there, as well. I’ve always liked Brian. He’s got a very kind heart, he’s cute and he doesn’t trust alot of people to tell them about himself. He’s the same kind of man that George is, one of the sensitive ones. Brian is still a “guys guy”. He LOVES football and other sports and will tell you if something is too “girly” for him. So I don’t think him or George are pushovers in the man department, by any means. But he definitely knows how to be truthful, honest and respectful, especially of women.
For the past two years, he has helped me get my other house ready to sell, saw me move to this one, helped me with some projects, gone to some concerts, gone Hope Depot shopping, etc., etc., We have some good conversations and moments together that I tell no one about. I feel like it’s mine and his, no one elses. He has shared things that I know he doesn’t share with all. He’s told me things about his dad or other personal stuff that I know he doesn’t share with others. He’s told me that “he can talk to me about anything”, whereas his male friends don’t really ask about stuff, so they don’t really tell anything.
There have been some conversations that make me step back and say “why did he tell ME this”? Why would a man tell this to a woman unless he’s dropping hints as to how he is with the opposite sex and especially how he wants to be with you. And Brian is a “hint” man. It’s frustrating sometimes, really! When he first started working on the other house he says “it’s a match made in heaven” or refers to the movie “Serendity” when we start talking about movies. Seriously, the first movie out of his mouth. When he mentions how he doesn’t like aggressive women, or when he when he was a kid how some girl kissed him and stuck her tongue down his throat. He doesn’t like that. Such random conversations that make me scratch my head. One day I drop by Cindy’s, she’s not home but Brian is in his yard doing some work. His mom is there and we all get to talking. I’ve known his mother probably a little longer than I’ve known him and I’ve had conversations with her before and she has never said this to me. She asked me “who are your people” meaning who are my family? Who do you take after your mother or father’s side, etc. Where are your ancestors from, etc. Very strange. I felt like she was conducting an interview. Or a few minutes later when Brian mentions that he wants to put in a fire pit in the back yard, she says “Teri has a big back yard, why don’t you put it there”?
Or the few times that he’s kissed me before this last time, and it wasn’t on my cheek but on my neck. Now I’m not a genius but I’ve been told that when a man kisses you on the neck, it means something. Or just the fact that he is kissing you at all, is something, right? Believe me, there have been tons of stuff the past few years that I could really make a list about. So I know, for a fact, that he likes me. I also know that Brian is a procrastinator. When I left him a message, this past time, about the John Mayer concert, it took him two weeks to bring up the topic and I believe I called him about something entirely different. He doesn’t get back to you right away, he takes his sweet old time, most of the time. I believe he is the same with his male friends. They have to call him if they want to get together and do anything. He’s content to be at work or home, though I know his friends are very important to him.
So, in my mind, heart and soul, Brian is in my inner circle, my people, my soul mate. And to lose that will suck the soul from my body. I’m going to give him time to figure it out. I know he takes awhile. This will give me time to focus on myself and change some things that prohibit me from men and relationships, I believe. I want to change for him and for me. The benefit will help me more than him but I’m hoping that he sees the change and appreciates it. We all have changes to make in our lives and I know that he has changed or tried to change some things for me.
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